I Never Drink Alone So I Am Never Alone- Neva

I’ve been listening to this podcast “Mindful Recovery” which is full of helpful information even for those who maybe just want to cut back.  For years I justified my drinking “I never drink alone”, “I have a good job”, etc. Then I started to realized that I never WAS alone.  That nearly every night was filled with social engagements.  I would go to a friend’s house with no intention of drinking and soon be 3 drinks in.  In “Mindful Recovering” he says that every addiction has its roots in some trauma.  For me it was probably my parent’s messy divorce and never feeling adequate or getting any sort of positive reinforcement  from my mother.  Being sort of shy as a teenager and having low self-confidence.  When I started drinking in heavily in college, it was the first time I stopped caring, even if it was just for a few hours about what people were thinking about me.  

Of course, not addressing those feelings and emotions lead me to an unhappy relationship of co-dependency.  My spouse would drink because of his own issues with feeling accepted.  I would follow so I would not be sober while he was drunk.  This went on for far too long. I began to feel like I was crazy.  Who started this argument?  Was I imagining his passive aggressive behavior towards me?  I stopped drinking for about 6 weeks to clear my head and saw that although I was trying to stay in the relationship for our kids, our relationship was not healthy for anyone.  I left.

I am just starting to recognize my triggers.  This is all sort of new to me.  While I totally identify with you in saying that I felt funny and witty while drinking (which is maybe true to an extent), I am just realizing that all this drinking came at a huge cost.  Like while I am drinking I am NOT practicing honing in my skill.  Thus I am not getting better, I’m not even keeping up to a level I once was at.  I would say I don’t have time to exercise.   I have time to drink 3 beers a day, but not exercise.  I would say I don’t have money to do things.  I always have $5 for a beer, but not to donate to a friend’s cause.

Friday was my birthday and while it does not really help to regret some of the choices I’ve made over the last 20 years I want the next 20 years to be different.   I need to be comfortable with just being me and that means spending time alone, even if it means I have to schedule it.  I need to be mindful that each drink has a cost, not just a monetary one.  This drink is time I could be doing something else; practicing, spending quality time with my kids, reading, making a healthy meal. Things that I let go to the wayside.  Maybe there will be a time soon when having a drink is just that, having a drink.  But I’m ready for that to take a backseat to all the other great things in my life.

- Neva